I've been thinking about my college friends a lot lately, and
reflecting on the fact that I haven't stayed as close with them since
graduation as I would have hoped. This has happened for a variety of
reasons: being spread out across the country, having different
schedules, different interests and priorities, and life getting in the
way. As a group, we have a much different dynamic than we did when we
were undergrads, all struggling with the same sort of problems and
dealing with the uncertainty of what the future would bring.
I have noticed however, that I seem to be the one that is the most
removed from the rest (with the possible exception of our
west-coaster). And then I realized that this is due, in large part, to
my own actions and inactions. I have allowed, and in some cases
forced, myself to become distant from these people who I once
considered my closest friends. I've wondered how I could have let this
happen, and then I had a break through.
Letting my friends go was, in effect, my final act of friendship
towards my best friend. Our friendship was complicated, frustrating,
and unhealthy; in order for me to grow and move forward with my life, had to let it go. It was a difficult decision to make, and I know that I didn't go about it in the best way, but it was necessary. I won't list all of the reasons or go into detail about why I had to end the friendship, but I think it was probably better for both of us in the end. In ending one friendship, I felt that I had to let the others slip as well. I felt that she needed their friendship more than I did.
I wanted to keep up relationships with my friends, of course, but felt that my want was less important than what I perceived to be her need. I have no illusions about being this wonderful, self-sacrificing person; I know that I'm not, but in this situation I did what I felt I needed to. I don't know if my other friends will understand this or forgive me my absence, but I can hope. I've taken the first steps recently to try to reconnect with them and it seems to be going well so far. if the need arises, I will do my best to explain my actions and my reasons for them. Now all I can do is hope for the best and work at rekindling the friendships that I let smolder for too long.